The Vatican released a formal apology Thursday after having accidentally released white smoke over the Sistine Chapel, saying the incident was the end result of “a stressful contest” to choose a new Pope in which the Cardinals were “vaping a lot.”
“We regret to inform the world that we have regrettably not yet agreed upon who will be named as the next Pope,” the Vatican statement reads. “Deliberations are ongoing, and have become rather heated, given the numerous issues the Catholic faith must tackle in our contemporary world. This has been a stressful contest for a great many reasons. We apologize deeply for the confusion this has caused. We’re sorry, we were just vaping a lot to relieve that aforementioned stress.”
Why is selecting a new Pope difficult?
One Vatican insider reports to American Muck that this Papal election has been one of the most contentious in the past two centuries, as the global political landscape has left the Cardinals divided on the best path of the church moving forward.
“They’re discussing every major point of contention and weighing each of their candidates against these global discussions,” our anonymous source says. “These are big decisions the new Pope will need to navigate. Do we endorse the government of Israel, or do we take a stand against the pain and suffering endured by the Palestinian people? How do we confront or side with what’s happening in America with Donald Trump?”
Our source says one topic has been particularly controversial. “And what about the Church’s controversies surrounding the sexual abuse and assault of children? How do we convince the public we’re no longer raping kids? I mean, we totally still do that of course. It’s basically our favorite thing. So we need a Pope who will let us diddle in peace and ensure we’re protected from the pigs.”
There’s still no telling when the Vatican will finally elect a new Pope. Though experts say the new Pope will, of course, be another elderly white man.